Friday, September 25, 2009


Is is a powerful thing, I have seen it on the streets, I have heard it from the balcony, I have seen it in the church, the Haven, and the beach. It does not have to be a physical passion, it can be an emotional passion.

That which one expresses in passion can be expressed reversely but still have the same power, the same meaning. It is not long ago that I have felt the touch upon my lips, upon my neck... to feel such passion surge through me, when not long before I felt such passion and rage at seeing beauty destroyed.

Curious that when I learn of emotion, finally to feel love and to have it felt in return that I feel rage and desperations ever more. It is a cruel fate, a cruel game... but it is in my head...

There it shall stay, truly if I were to let it loose I would not be a good woman. I would be no different than the other women, those floozy, loose, jazz listening women that this city has claimed to fame.

But it is difficult... I will admit that... and I am frightened... change is difficult as it is, but change in myself, that is nearly unheard of, at least not so quickly.

I blame the city and those within it, those that drive my darkness to the surface and those that would see me plucked and burned.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Remove the head, destroy its brains

I have dove into the depths of my darkness. Denenthorn there to guide me. With his words, his voice, I was able to continue to the edge; but not over. It would not let me any further... either out of protection, fear, agitation... I am not sure. It was not pleased to see Denenthorn... I can only imagine what it would have felt if it were Khons.

Perhaps Khons would have been the better choice but, I do not know him well enough to allow him into my mind. It is bad enough that he can read my thoughts, it is unwarranted that he share space with them when it is already so full.

I know what was said, I saw what it saw and felt what it felt. It is defeated now, not so much caring for my physical safety as it understands my mind will keep intact... or at least malleable.

Denenthorn had difficulty talking with it, dealing with it, that much is clear. His silver tongue seemed tarnished and while he certainly held a good front, I am not sure if it was a performance or not. I like to think it was not but that is just another lock to his elusiveness I have yet to pick.

The deal has been made, the task is set, the times will be long and hard... my will, strong out, or else I damn myself to complete darkness. To an end that I would destroy myself have I the mind.

I have seen many fall from the light, those who say they have risen to meet it will only fall again. It is proven through acts and deeds to which I have witnessed and heard stories of. I do not blame them, but it shows just how one sided one might be, despite anything they might say or deny.

Nor am I to say that I strive for goodness, I know that I am split down the middle... but that balance must be kept. For all the terrible thought that run through my head I can only do good deeds to keep the balance.

However, I strive for greatness. This step into my mind is a great help to that goal. And an even greater help to mine...

Let me set this straight dear journal.

I am not good.
I am not bad.
I work as a means to an end, and when I am through I will rise above all others. I am not oblivious anymore. I understand exactly what one is saying, despite my innocent outlook and silly oblivious questions. I am not a pigeon, I am a phoenix... watch me fly and I will watch you burn.