Friday, October 30, 2009


I did not want to go to sleep that night. Selk'Tar'Oth released me just in time for bed, with quiet words she spoke to me, "I have so much to show you." I was so tired, I felt as though I had been stretched and pulled in so many directions. My body worn and scratched. I felt bruises everywhere as though I had been fighting. I only saw glimpses from my time in the void, only faces, brief words, she had planned this I am sure.

I lay under the covers, staring at the ceiling, straining to keep my eyes open. I saw the glow of my light dimming, wavering, and before I could stop it I fell asleep.

Selk'Tar'Oth came to me immediately. She was smiling that wicked grin I loathe and despise. Something had gone wrong. I cannot control her but she occasionally listens to my requests. I asked her not to kill anyone. She laughed and said not a word. I stood naked again in empty darkness but she danced around me, a wretched ballet dance that whirled my senses. She came to me and wrapped her arm around my shoulder, her icy finger tips making me shiver. She waved her hand before my eyes and in a moment I saw what had happened.

She stood in the barber shop, drawing her mark on the dusty mirror until Cid came in. Oh dear Cid, so pent up in his heroism to not realize true danger. Words were exchanged, warnings ignored, I cannot fathom what he thought would happen but Selk'Tar'Oth heeded my wishes and did not kill him, though I could feel her rage and frustration at my wish.

I then saw another, dressed in purple and top hat, a familiar shape but the madness had taken him over. I shuddered violently to hear that laugh again. She toyed with him and he followed, the fool followed her. Again words were exchanged but my wish seemed pushed aside. This crazed man and she fought hard, or played with each other; it was difficult to tell. Selk'Tar'Oth was somewhat pleased by this.

As I see these images much is hazy, I can tell she is leaving something out but I cannot look away or find the time to ask her for clarification.

More words... I cannot make them out, something about Denenthorn... a deal was lost it seemed.

Another scene, how long did she play? She is in the hospital, Cid is there speaking with someone in obvious pain. That voice, was it Pontifex? It is too difficult to tell and I cannot see, she had shrouded herself in darkness to keep hidden.

Another walks in, I can hear this voice clearly, as though darkness is matched I can hear it is Dio. She emerges from her shroud and bids Cid to leave upon the threat of death again. She knows that I care for my librarians and would be quite difficult to work with should one fall to her power. Cid leaves but Dio remains under the same threat. Her eyes turn now, I can see finally that it is Pontifex that lays in bed, ruined, beaten, with a patch over one eye.

She sauntered over and bid from Pontifex to awaken with not just her voice by her new toy... a striped cane that she hits powerfully on Pontifex's leg. He wails in pain, but does not seem to recognise me... or if he does he does not speak of it. I can feel that Selk'Tar'Oth is finally happy as I see her beating this man, the one who I am still very apprehensive of.

Dio takes an interest and moves dangerously close, he only watches as she climbs on top of Pontifex and rips his patch away. She pushes her finger into the wound that lays beneath, toying and playing with what flesh she finds there.

She pulls her fingers into what looks like a gun and I see from her eyes a motion that suggested she pulled the trigger then a very loud bang. The images blackens out and I jump at the sound, covering my ears a moment before looking to her. "You betrayed me." I say turning to face her.

She laughs at me again and tugs my shoulder, spinning me once and catching me up in a vice-like grip. She pulls me close and kisses the corner of my jaw as she takes up my hand in a waltz position and arranges my feet in step four. I feel suddenly very sick and weak as she pushes me to dance with her. She whispers to me, "I have betrayed many but you will find that he is not gone for long. However, I've made sure he will not forget me. If he's as strong as I've seen from your conversations, he will certainly have quite the beating for you if he figures it out..."

My body tightens and I shudder hard again at the thought of backlash, torment, misunderstandings and torture. I taste the bile that fills my mouth and cannot help but heave over Selk'Tar'Oth's shoulder. She laughs once more, shrieking in glee as she just continues her dance, forcing me to follow as my legs weaken and my shoulders slump.

She does not let me wake, the rest of the night is filled horrid words and dancing. By the end of my slumber, my dreaming feet are broken, my body torn, my mind frayed once more.

I do not know what I would do should I see Pontifex again. He might know me... he could easily find out.. I have faltered my sense of security in her matters and I cannot help but watch, most like a train wreck.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Storm

I was standing on the boardwalk, watching the only serenity I have found in this city, the water. Despite its color, its smell, and its inherent ability to burn who ever so much as touches it, that glittering gleam is still able to catch my eyes to the point where I can find some peace.

It abruptly ended when I received a call from Viviane, she was pleading for help, the likes of which I could not ignore and would not for the sake of my librarians. I ran as fast as I could to find her at the library. I was out of breath, running has never been my strongest point, but I saw her there, wearing her lovely red gown and sitting by the fireplace. All seemed normal, I did not see what I was expecting, that of a bloodied husk left of Viviane; I shudder at such a thought.

Stepping into the library I looked about, no one had yet answered her call it seemed, most likely busy with other things. I had ventured closer to Viviane, asking her how she was. She had her back to me, her face turned to the fire. She did not immediately answer; I even ventured so close as to touch her shoulder, in case she was unconscious. It was a terrible mistake.

She grabbed my wrist and held me in place. I was so consumed with horror at the face I saw on her own that I did not even see the blue hot fire ball aimed for my head. It caught me squarely and I felt a blinding pain that was quickly ceased for darkness instead. In that flash of darkness I translated that last image to Selk’Tar’Oth and trusted in her that she would follow my lead this time. She knew it was Spectre but was so confused. I could feel her frustration between simply committing that shell of Viviane to the cosmos but also preserving that which she knew was important to me.

It is very strange to watch through your own eyes and not be able to truly control what it is you are doing. Selk’Tar’Oth knows at this point that she is owned in some capacity. For now she will do as only one tells her.

There was a battle in the library, that much I can remember. Selk’Tar’Oth tried to take up the defense of her only liability, but it was pushed aside. She is enraged but knows what ever inane road they take she will be beside to keep her investment safe. Without Denenthorn’s arrival the library would certainly have been lost. He struck down on Viviane with great power. I was able to see Viviane in shadows and flittering light. That cruel mask, those horrid eyes and grinning smile were affixed to her glorious face. Spectre had taken her completely.

With a battle of skill in both magic and cunning ability they were so equally matched. Fire, water, lightening, air… all to rush in aide of each other. Each force stronger and faster than the next, it would only be a matter of will as to who would win out.

In a blinding flash I was back once more and all I felt was weakness and pain to my face. The mask was broken and removed from the sweet face of the crimson flower. It is a bit cloudy now, but I know I moved quickly to be by Viviane’s side, to help with the after math. She saw my ruined face and I her ruined body, despite that we hardly know each other it was enough to bring us so much closer. By the hands on both Denenthorn and myself we were able to restore Viviane. She was heart broken at her actions I was surprisingly indifferent. Perhaps it is the fact that there is a lingering lack of control I have on myself but she was never in the wrong. She did not attack me; Spectre did, for all the more reason why his life must cease. I knew my wounds would heal just fine in time but she wished to right the library and myself once more.

Though in knowing her heart as I do I know that it would not be enough that she simply carry such a task out. She would still have regret for that which she could not have stopped. I did something I rarely do; I made her promise to me. I made her promise that if I were to allow her to heal my face, clean the mess that she no longer have any regrets for it. That she would not riddle herself with guilt.

Thus it was said, and so it was obeyed.

The winds have changed, the sky is dark… we must prepare for the storm.

Friday, October 16, 2009

My only salvation

What I thought was lost, my masterpiece, apparently has been found... Denenthorn knows of it but he cannot bring it to me. I... lost my head, I dememned it back from him. When he broke his temper upon me I withdrew. I pulled myself back in such a way, too far, too much that I had not seen it ever before.

I reverted back to my past. I could see it so clearly before me I thought Toxia had all been a dream. I remember the first time real memories flooded back to me. It was when Rivers took my own hand and rubbed it on my nose. A childish trick he would pull on me when my hands were dirty from so much drawing, so much lead had smeared on my finger tips.

This was different. I saw myself in the hospital, trying deperately to represent Yig of the sleeping Elder Gods. Nothing was right though. The hospital could never provide me with what I needed. I paniced and I know I was speaking, though what I said has faded like a dream. Those moments felt like years, years I had purposefully forgotten when I chose to learn in my time of limbo rather than reflect.

When I found myself once more there was nothing but light that filled the darkness of my mind. When I could finally see past the light, Denenthorn was there before me, keeping me safe, just as he had promised.

The city has its darkness, its evil lurking, but that is not so freightening as losing oneself inside themselves. Nothing can compare for my fears as that of my own mind.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Waking Dreams

It is something that very few suffer from. It is torment beyond comparison to any other that would take the time to consider it. To dream while one is awake, to see what your subconscious hides. Many say that they do not dream, they are incredibly wrong. Their subconscious is overbearing for them. It sucks the dream from their consciousness so fast that whether or not the tossed and turned all night, their dreams keep them safe.... keep them sane.

Very few suffer this fate and yet here as I write I am one of those that do. Sleep is never well for me, I never find my rest. It held true when I was mortal, it carried through in death to who I am now and ever onward I curse my sleep.

These waking dreams, nightmares, of things beyond the veil of reality, the frayed edge long forgotten and long misused. Every time a demon uses their magic, or a vampire pushes their power, it tears back another hole, another thread. They misuse this power, it is what I have come to understand that Toxia must be made from. Those holes are easy to leak through, to come to this awful city, this waste of land and try to survive.

Yet I digress from my purpose. Last night I came face to ... horrid face of that of Selk'Tar'Oth.

The vision simply began, darkness all around me swelled and pressed against my body, I was siting in a great cavern and when my eyes finally adjusted to the dim light of this dreamworld all was dead. The ground moved and I stood bare in all of my so-called glory, pale, shivering as it was too cold. My body temperature runs about 43.7 degrees, this was near ice. I held myself tightly, both in modesty and in trying to keep my body temperature from dropping. I looks down to see the ground crawling with all manner of tiny beings, creatures, they scattered from the light that my eyes cast, brilliant in this travesty of a land.

I looked forward to see what I could not have seen before, there in the distance stood one very similar in my shape and face, but twisted. Her hair was matted, her face peels back, her teeth exposed and ever chattering, gibbering, whispering a thousand voices, growling all at the same time; creating a cursed hum all around her.

I ventured forward, taing hesitant steps towards this being. She almost seemed to smile at me and gestured me closer. She bowed to me and hissed all at once, the voices stopped and in a singular tone that was both beautiful and grievous she spoke, "Hello Felice... it's been a long time but I'm glad you finally found me here."

Through chattering shuddering teeth I replied, "You know me, I only know you by name and power alone. You are Selk'Tar'Oth. Both terrible and great, your power cannot be compared to another."

She nodded her wicked head and sighed, crossing her arms. "Oh yes, and you know better than that I'm sure, you a smart little bird aren't you." She did not give me time enough to answer. She waved a gnarled hand at me to keep silent. "You know that in dreams is most significant, most powerful, I will not stand here wasting time to answer questions that can't be answered. You've only found me because I let you. But I know why you're here and I know why your pale ass will be here again." she huffs at the look I make and somehow seems to roll those black eyes of her. I stare at her blatantly and see the stretch of the universe in her eyes. The galaxies swirling and being torn apart perpetually changing, ever growing and ever destroying, making me feel utterly small and insignificant; I finally look away as I hear her chittering laughter.

"You sicken me sometimes." she says heaving with a dry breath, exhaling with a wet sickening sound from her gut. "You are so weak in this little head of yours, were it not for my- ahhh.... monologuing will be the death of me!" she raves in a jeering laughter once more, "But I came to you in a little trinket that your mother and father gave to you... your prize procession... the only thing that had with you when you arrived in that damned city." she rubs her hands together, looking at me, making my skin burn and crawl with her gaze, "Your dear... golden... pocket watch."

I awaken to find my bed clothes are wet with a tingling sweat, my hands balled into fists, my nails puncturing my palms have broken the skin. I am tired... my body does not seem able to recuperate from these tender wounds. I reach over to my night stand to read the time on my pocket watch. With a shuddering hand I open it, hearing shrieks, cries, and agony, I hold it closer to me, against my chest and heave forward; I felt my chest tighten. Finally I cry, my tears black, staining the front of my night dress and the sheets around my waist. "I cannot be whole..."