It has been sometime

*sits in the library on the second floor, looking out over the balcony for some time, chewing at the end of her pencil briefly*

Much has happened since I have written last. I suppose that I why I have not written.

I found myself stricken with pain not too long ago. As I had another unfortunate visit with the darkness inside of me. It left amessage this time though and left me without my tongue. I cannot keep this presence at bay any longer, though it must be there for a reason.

I am told that I am clever. Perhaps there is a way this presence would coexist with me. So they will think I suffer from a personality disorder... perhaps all the better. They may take me for granted that I am timid and polite, but when the time comes I will be sure to show them what I am capable of.

With this appearance I had bitten off my tongue, I have been telling others that I had a terrible fall down the steps. It would not be so unusual as those steps are neigh deadly enough. I had to change and reschedule a few meetings, one with Lorne who offered to fix me but I must admit that I do not trust magics of other so much now. Denny saw to it that I was taken care of, though he said some very strange words to me... he complimented me... As well as the night before that he seemed to be recalling his past, he seems different. I am under the suspicsion he is suffering from the stress of his new found position.

I must admit, I am finding much stress in this new found position.

In other brief news, Eduard has left the library saying he was called away to the mainland. He shall be missed in the library but as bittersweet as it was, he left me a hand written note. I am most pleased with his progress in writing and would hope to some how recieve letters of his missions. I am very glad I had the opportunity to teach him before he left.

Should anyone ever find this, I think they would find themselves quite lost.

*closes her book and tucks her pencil away, pushing them both into her jacket pocket*

Curious

I have continued my lessons with Eduard. He is showing great improvment. His hand is becoming more steady as he practices and he is proving to be a quick learner.

However I believe I might be allergic to him. Possibly to all humans. Later that evening, when the lesson was complete for that night... we were talking. We were discussing mistakes and erasers and corrections... by the time I knew it he had his hands in mine and I felt light headed.

I noticed my body temperature raise, my breath became staggered, and my body felt weak. I must look further into this, I would hate to think that I have become ill over a species.

Teaching

We have a new member to our library, he is most disciplined in many lines of thinking and physical activity however, writing is lost to him. Due to his origin, writing was not necessary. I have taken it upon myself to teach him to write.

Last night we started our lesson and I must admit it seemed to be more stressful on him than I had planned.

At one point I saw myself in him and it was a certain blow to myself. I felt horrid, as though the room were spinning and I could not stop it. I had asked him to relax, it felt as though I was giving a wrong piece of information. When one is tense all the time is it so baffling to think that another might be worse than you. But the words came from my mouth and there was naught I could for it.

However, once I regained my constitution the lesson started again and he is proving very well. I must admit, it has been a long time since I have taught anyone anything. I used to tutor in college for those who required it, but that was still some time ago...

I will teach him to write for he has asked. I am more than willing to teach something so valued. Besides, were his little wrist computer.... thing to break how would he take down notes of his findings around the city?

Learning

I have come to respect those who are able to understand jokes and concieve of happiness.

This has admitted been a problem for me. While I seem to have not a problem with sandess, anger, frustration, or worry, happiness, love and kindess elude me greatly. Most would see me as a meek, shy individual which is not all untrue. I am hesitant towards those I do not know but once I recognize them for who they present themselves to be, my nevousness stops, honor takes up where friendliness should and all seems rather buisness like with them.

Yes I have called people friend and honor them as such. Yes I would do very much for few I have welcomed to myself personally. But love, happiness to see them, are all muted. I do not understand what it is that is holding my mind from it.

When I was human and lived for a short time I did feel love. I did laugh I am sure of it. But I cannot quite recall the feeling. The gesture of a smile is seen and remembered. The sound of laughter is muttled but recalled. Perhaps it is when I found that relic along the beach... the relic which to this day I have no clue of what it was or where I have lost it. But since that day the voices came, my vision opened and I can see what lies behind the veil of reality.

I recall my time of life, my final years to be very opressive withi this new sight. When I met him things seemed to ease for a while but what lies before me would push harder, driving what concious thoughts I had from me until all seem blinded as a newborn.

It is difficult to explain that time. I was certainly present, but my eyes would be dazed, my mind somewhere else and not always, more frequently not my own. I took up drawing to clear my head, but the torrent of information grew and I now cannot escape it.

However I have derailed myself and must apologize to those who would read this. I mean to speak of learning.

Many have explained jokes to me, which is kind of them but I do understand them at first moment. Even if the language is crude, I have spent enough time in the city now that I have picked up on crude terms and meanings. What I do not understand is the reason to say such a thing, to let a joke fall from ones lips in order to make another happy does not seem to bode well with my mind. Others have touched me, physically, in kindness. A tap on the shoulder, an attempted hug for confort, but I dislike touch. It is something I feel is left over from my death and do not expect to get much better until I am able to feel happiness, especially love again. Which brings me conviently to love. While I have read the subject several times, both emotional and carnal, it is something I do not feel and understand that I should and that it is all right to feel.

I think I am broken.

*She sits back in the old leather chair, tapping her pencil against her book as she thinks. She sighs as her eyes narrow looking at the page. She hand runs through her hair as she brings the pencil down once more*

I am broken. I will fix myself through time, as I understand it, will heal all wounds.

*She closes her book and tucks it into her jacket once again.*

The times are, as they say, changing.

I have found myself in Toxian City for three months. I am home again and it has not been easy to find my place. Everything is different. Everyone is new. The city is still as deadly as the air which the citizens breathe. I will keep secret, I will keep to the shadows of buildings and watch, just as I did in the past.