Thursday, August 27, 2009

It is happening again

I can feel my brain throbbing. It is causing my pain on a daily basis. Something is pushing and twisting. That darkness within me is spreading. I feel my wants and needs to be shifting. Yes I am becoming stronger, but I am not sure what is me and waht is it that is causing my strength.

I need help. For once, the helper of the city, the one who would offer her own safety in cause for another must ask for help. Denenthorn is trying but it is difficult to understand what he tells me.

I am not sure who to go to, or where to find the help I need. The books re not speaking to me the way they would. They have not the answers I seek. Selk'Tar'Oth is unknown... much too vast for anyone to concieve and yet I understand it to a degree.

I fear still that I will lose myself soon... and I am not sure who will be able to bring me back.

I suppose with this time I have free to write that I should put down what I know of it, perhaps a bit of oganization is what I need in these difficult times.

It goes by the name of Selk'Tar'Oth. It is an entity that has lived far beyond what this universe has known. It is evil, yet its wants over power the need to be evil. It knows that it has time and is very patient. I think that patience is what will damn me. It has unmistakable power yet through its life has been bored and is now allowing the effects of natural balences to take place. It will protect me at all costs unless it feels those costs are something it might gain from. It is hungry for knowledge as I am hungry to learn yet with it sharing my mind it is weakened. I have the capcity to push it back but not always to control it... I need to learn this control, I need to learn to push it back and keep it back until I wish it to come forward.

I believe a journey is in order.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The coming days

I have seen this before, the city will swell then calm, disperse, yet the strongest will remain.

I apparently have less control than I thought of this dark entity inside me. Though with time and teachings from Denenthorn I hope to achieve more control, my thoughts have been waning. I am not who I was... as I learn slowly through accounts told to be by Rivers, I was not a very normal child growing up.

I know that I am different and that I cannot change that.

This library has strength in its members and of this I am proud to be here still. However, I do not think they see it within themselves. I feel that they are waiting too long for something to tickle their fancies. Perhaps it is time to discuss a test to prove to them just how important they are.

With the ever decreasing distance Spectre has upon this city we must rally them together. We must also build our forces to rise up against him and banish him some where more complete until the propper time Denenthorn may vanquish him.

I will request much from Denenthorn in the next few weeks. I have some martial knowledge but his handle with a weapon is much greater than mine. I can only hope that he would teach myself and the older members, so that we may practice when he is busy.

I have a list ready of things to do. We will keep this library running and keep ourselves busy as we strive for greatness and control of this city. We will remind the city that it is not numbers which rule but knowledge.

We will make them fear our light.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Feathery Wings

Listen to it here

Feathery Wings - Voltaire

You, there on the bridge
where have you been, whats your name?
and you, there you on the wall
where will you go to once you fall?
you, lost at sea
do you need me, do you need directions?
hey, put down the gun
what are you thinking?
you were someone's son

the taste of tears
the sting of pain
the smell of fear
the sounds of crying

a long, long time ago i fell to this place
from another dimesnion
and thrust amongst the beasts
and they way they behave borders on dementia
now through all these years
i can barely take it
i don't think i can make it
take me away from here
I want to go home

i'm so sick and tired of the
the taste of tears
the sting of pain
the smell of fear
the sounds of crying
as you standing at the edge of your life
what do you remember?
was it all you wanted?

I'm trying to earn a set of feathery wings
i wish i could protect you here
oh, please don't cry
now smile as you're standing
at the edge of your life
your troubles are over
mine are just beginning
I'm trying to earn a set of feathery wings
to take me away from here
its me you leave behind

if only i could have been there
i'd be a hand for the sinking
if only i could have been there
i'd be a prayer for the dying
see the pain etched in my face

i'm so sick and tired of
the taste of tears
the sting of pain
the smell of fear
the sounds of crying
as you're standing at the edge of your life
what do you remember was it all you wanted

I'm trying to earn a set of feathery wings
i wish i could protect you here
oh, please don't cry
now smile as you're standing
at the edge of your life
your troubles are over
mine are just beginning

I'm trying to earn a set of feathery wings
to take me away from here
its me you leave
you're gone from here
don't leave from here
don't leave me here
I hate it here
you're gone from here
don't leave me here
I need you here
I need to see you smile

Thursday, August 13, 2009

A little dead, but I got better

It was decided that I should die in a matter of moments. In a matter of days it was decided that I should come back. It is those days, which were years, I have much changed.

It is not so apparent, but I have a human understanding now. I see who loves who, why they love, what makes them angry, what makes them curious... I understand it now more than most would know. I can smile to a joke or to my own musing. This can be dangerous as it would let others see how learned I am.

While I might have book knowledge, my street knowledge is publicly absent.

I will watch the streets more closely now, test what I have learned and challenge the light.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Memories

I do not have many memories from the time of my living to the time of my death. I spent my afterlife in a kind of limbo where I speant my time learning the things I did not get to in life. Some mysteries, some supernatural, but mostly Earth bound knowledge. I did not take into account that the ratio of which I learned would diminish my mortal memories.

Slowly though I amremembering my life as it was. I recall my death as I have mentioned enough before and have been asked of more often than I should be. During the Righteous ball I felt more at peace and in my element than I had in a long while. But most recently something occured that has turned my head around in so many angles I am not sure in which direction I should continue.

I have a brother. Miraculously he has come to Toxian City, and some how was driven to become a librarian. He found me on the supply storage center, drawing. I am not sure what drove him to do it but he saw my smudged hands and clasped them in his own. I was too shocked that he would touch me to see that he was bringing my fingers to my face. Very gently he took my graphite covered fingers and pressed them to my nose.

It was at that moment that I remembered. I was very young, always drawing, hardly paying attention to the world. Rivers would bring me back to home with his play. Mother would be upset that I would proceed to clean my nose, then my hands over my dresses.

Rivers is my brother. I have a connection here to my previous life and I am so intrigued, yet so scared, I am not sure if I wish to find out more or to shut it all away.

Out of all the things I could be afraid of in this city, I am most afraid of myself.