Saturday, December 19, 2009

Forget for loss

*There appear to be a few torn pages here along with ink smattering the edges of the pages left*

What this has left me with is a false sense of hope for this city and its people. I can hardly say that the holidays and the promise of the new year bring little comfort. The beings that would call themselves citizens have not a clue of what lies ahead. There will be blood staining the streets before the turn and I will not be there to clean up after them.

Thursday, November 26, 2009


My light has burnt out, I do not know what it is that I have done to cause this, but it is gone. I am mortal once more and thank who ever I need to that Cidriel was there to catch me.

The air is burning, my lungs are filling up, I have not much time left before I will die.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Such light

I traveled to the Voo Doo Shop on a specific purpose. Only moments before Selk'Tar'Oth had burst forth without my want or calling. I had some how lost control of her. I could not allow this to happen again. I went to look for help, meditation and Denenthorn's words just are not enough anymore. I met with a very kind woman by the name of Kay. She called upon the other members of the Coven to help me.

They gathered at the strange circle they have on the second floor and called Selk'Tar'Oth to the surface. Some how they managed through a means of distraction and powerful magic were able to capture and put her inside a stone of something... Calleigh, Kay, and Joenta's doing. I am most impressed but I cannot say the experience has not changed me.

I feel incredible. I laugh with ease and cannot help but smile near constantly. I feel wonderful and I do not wish it to end. My light is finally cleared and all I wish to do is help and make all others around me just as happy.

I have already accomplished so much without the bothersome Selk'Tar'Oth in the way. If only Denenthorn were around to see truly what has happened. I am sure that he has heard of it by now, but to really see this change, if I can notice it it is quite stunning. I think he would finally be proud of me.... or loathe me, I can never tell completely with him. However I feel fantastic, like a floating dream, I wish to never wake up!

People have complained that I am too bright, I cannot help but laugh, I feel this light ever pouring out of me. I feel on top of Toxia, higher than the Port Authority building even. I feel as though I could fly rather than fall with style. Oh I wish that to be next...

I wish to fly!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

On the wind

I never knew how harsh a wind could blow, or how such words could carry on the wind. I did not anticipate my will to be so weak... but I changed. I turned into something that I had never felt before, never dreamed of before... I thought my time locked away in my own head was bad, but to have complete control of my body and to have my mind conspire against all that I have known... that was far worse than what I was expecting.

Not only did I make such a fool of myself but I hurt four very dear to me I think. I have since apologized to the best of my ability... yet there remains one that is still most difficult.

It was something that I could hardly fathom ever doing to another... to hurt and humiliate them in such a way. They explained to me that it would go unmentioned, that it would be forgotten and forgiven, but that lingering sense of guilt still plagues me. I made them bleed... and I enjoyed it... it can be blown off by some that it was just something that happened, something that no one had any control over... but there were still a few... a good few who had control.

I feel as though I have lost trust in myself... until I can regain it I fear that I can hardly trust to keep much private with others... to be a keeper of so many of the cities secrets and to not even trust oneself... what a terrible burden.

This too shall pass.

Friday, October 30, 2009


I did not want to go to sleep that night. Selk'Tar'Oth released me just in time for bed, with quiet words she spoke to me, "I have so much to show you." I was so tired, I felt as though I had been stretched and pulled in so many directions. My body worn and scratched. I felt bruises everywhere as though I had been fighting. I only saw glimpses from my time in the void, only faces, brief words, she had planned this I am sure.

I lay under the covers, staring at the ceiling, straining to keep my eyes open. I saw the glow of my light dimming, wavering, and before I could stop it I fell asleep.

Selk'Tar'Oth came to me immediately. She was smiling that wicked grin I loathe and despise. Something had gone wrong. I cannot control her but she occasionally listens to my requests. I asked her not to kill anyone. She laughed and said not a word. I stood naked again in empty darkness but she danced around me, a wretched ballet dance that whirled my senses. She came to me and wrapped her arm around my shoulder, her icy finger tips making me shiver. She waved her hand before my eyes and in a moment I saw what had happened.

She stood in the barber shop, drawing her mark on the dusty mirror until Cid came in. Oh dear Cid, so pent up in his heroism to not realize true danger. Words were exchanged, warnings ignored, I cannot fathom what he thought would happen but Selk'Tar'Oth heeded my wishes and did not kill him, though I could feel her rage and frustration at my wish.

I then saw another, dressed in purple and top hat, a familiar shape but the madness had taken him over. I shuddered violently to hear that laugh again. She toyed with him and he followed, the fool followed her. Again words were exchanged but my wish seemed pushed aside. This crazed man and she fought hard, or played with each other; it was difficult to tell. Selk'Tar'Oth was somewhat pleased by this.

As I see these images much is hazy, I can tell she is leaving something out but I cannot look away or find the time to ask her for clarification.

More words... I cannot make them out, something about Denenthorn... a deal was lost it seemed.

Another scene, how long did she play? She is in the hospital, Cid is there speaking with someone in obvious pain. That voice, was it Pontifex? It is too difficult to tell and I cannot see, she had shrouded herself in darkness to keep hidden.

Another walks in, I can hear this voice clearly, as though darkness is matched I can hear it is Dio. She emerges from her shroud and bids Cid to leave upon the threat of death again. She knows that I care for my librarians and would be quite difficult to work with should one fall to her power. Cid leaves but Dio remains under the same threat. Her eyes turn now, I can see finally that it is Pontifex that lays in bed, ruined, beaten, with a patch over one eye.

She sauntered over and bid from Pontifex to awaken with not just her voice by her new toy... a striped cane that she hits powerfully on Pontifex's leg. He wails in pain, but does not seem to recognise me... or if he does he does not speak of it. I can feel that Selk'Tar'Oth is finally happy as I see her beating this man, the one who I am still very apprehensive of.

Dio takes an interest and moves dangerously close, he only watches as she climbs on top of Pontifex and rips his patch away. She pushes her finger into the wound that lays beneath, toying and playing with what flesh she finds there.

She pulls her fingers into what looks like a gun and I see from her eyes a motion that suggested she pulled the trigger then a very loud bang. The images blackens out and I jump at the sound, covering my ears a moment before looking to her. "You betrayed me." I say turning to face her.

She laughs at me again and tugs my shoulder, spinning me once and catching me up in a vice-like grip. She pulls me close and kisses the corner of my jaw as she takes up my hand in a waltz position and arranges my feet in step four. I feel suddenly very sick and weak as she pushes me to dance with her. She whispers to me, "I have betrayed many but you will find that he is not gone for long. However, I've made sure he will not forget me. If he's as strong as I've seen from your conversations, he will certainly have quite the beating for you if he figures it out..."

My body tightens and I shudder hard again at the thought of backlash, torment, misunderstandings and torture. I taste the bile that fills my mouth and cannot help but heave over Selk'Tar'Oth's shoulder. She laughs once more, shrieking in glee as she just continues her dance, forcing me to follow as my legs weaken and my shoulders slump.

She does not let me wake, the rest of the night is filled horrid words and dancing. By the end of my slumber, my dreaming feet are broken, my body torn, my mind frayed once more.

I do not know what I would do should I see Pontifex again. He might know me... he could easily find out.. I have faltered my sense of security in her matters and I cannot help but watch, most like a train wreck.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Storm

I was standing on the boardwalk, watching the only serenity I have found in this city, the water. Despite its color, its smell, and its inherent ability to burn who ever so much as touches it, that glittering gleam is still able to catch my eyes to the point where I can find some peace.

It abruptly ended when I received a call from Viviane, she was pleading for help, the likes of which I could not ignore and would not for the sake of my librarians. I ran as fast as I could to find her at the library. I was out of breath, running has never been my strongest point, but I saw her there, wearing her lovely red gown and sitting by the fireplace. All seemed normal, I did not see what I was expecting, that of a bloodied husk left of Viviane; I shudder at such a thought.

Stepping into the library I looked about, no one had yet answered her call it seemed, most likely busy with other things. I had ventured closer to Viviane, asking her how she was. She had her back to me, her face turned to the fire. She did not immediately answer; I even ventured so close as to touch her shoulder, in case she was unconscious. It was a terrible mistake.

She grabbed my wrist and held me in place. I was so consumed with horror at the face I saw on her own that I did not even see the blue hot fire ball aimed for my head. It caught me squarely and I felt a blinding pain that was quickly ceased for darkness instead. In that flash of darkness I translated that last image to Selk’Tar’Oth and trusted in her that she would follow my lead this time. She knew it was Spectre but was so confused. I could feel her frustration between simply committing that shell of Viviane to the cosmos but also preserving that which she knew was important to me.

It is very strange to watch through your own eyes and not be able to truly control what it is you are doing. Selk’Tar’Oth knows at this point that she is owned in some capacity. For now she will do as only one tells her.

There was a battle in the library, that much I can remember. Selk’Tar’Oth tried to take up the defense of her only liability, but it was pushed aside. She is enraged but knows what ever inane road they take she will be beside to keep her investment safe. Without Denenthorn’s arrival the library would certainly have been lost. He struck down on Viviane with great power. I was able to see Viviane in shadows and flittering light. That cruel mask, those horrid eyes and grinning smile were affixed to her glorious face. Spectre had taken her completely.

With a battle of skill in both magic and cunning ability they were so equally matched. Fire, water, lightening, air… all to rush in aide of each other. Each force stronger and faster than the next, it would only be a matter of will as to who would win out.

In a blinding flash I was back once more and all I felt was weakness and pain to my face. The mask was broken and removed from the sweet face of the crimson flower. It is a bit cloudy now, but I know I moved quickly to be by Viviane’s side, to help with the after math. She saw my ruined face and I her ruined body, despite that we hardly know each other it was enough to bring us so much closer. By the hands on both Denenthorn and myself we were able to restore Viviane. She was heart broken at her actions I was surprisingly indifferent. Perhaps it is the fact that there is a lingering lack of control I have on myself but she was never in the wrong. She did not attack me; Spectre did, for all the more reason why his life must cease. I knew my wounds would heal just fine in time but she wished to right the library and myself once more.

Though in knowing her heart as I do I know that it would not be enough that she simply carry such a task out. She would still have regret for that which she could not have stopped. I did something I rarely do; I made her promise to me. I made her promise that if I were to allow her to heal my face, clean the mess that she no longer have any regrets for it. That she would not riddle herself with guilt.

Thus it was said, and so it was obeyed.

The winds have changed, the sky is dark… we must prepare for the storm.

Friday, October 16, 2009

My only salvation

What I thought was lost, my masterpiece, apparently has been found... Denenthorn knows of it but he cannot bring it to me. I... lost my head, I dememned it back from him. When he broke his temper upon me I withdrew. I pulled myself back in such a way, too far, too much that I had not seen it ever before.

I reverted back to my past. I could see it so clearly before me I thought Toxia had all been a dream. I remember the first time real memories flooded back to me. It was when Rivers took my own hand and rubbed it on my nose. A childish trick he would pull on me when my hands were dirty from so much drawing, so much lead had smeared on my finger tips.

This was different. I saw myself in the hospital, trying deperately to represent Yig of the sleeping Elder Gods. Nothing was right though. The hospital could never provide me with what I needed. I paniced and I know I was speaking, though what I said has faded like a dream. Those moments felt like years, years I had purposefully forgotten when I chose to learn in my time of limbo rather than reflect.

When I found myself once more there was nothing but light that filled the darkness of my mind. When I could finally see past the light, Denenthorn was there before me, keeping me safe, just as he had promised.

The city has its darkness, its evil lurking, but that is not so freightening as losing oneself inside themselves. Nothing can compare for my fears as that of my own mind.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Waking Dreams

It is something that very few suffer from. It is torment beyond comparison to any other that would take the time to consider it. To dream while one is awake, to see what your subconscious hides. Many say that they do not dream, they are incredibly wrong. Their subconscious is overbearing for them. It sucks the dream from their consciousness so fast that whether or not the tossed and turned all night, their dreams keep them safe.... keep them sane.

Very few suffer this fate and yet here as I write I am one of those that do. Sleep is never well for me, I never find my rest. It held true when I was mortal, it carried through in death to who I am now and ever onward I curse my sleep.

These waking dreams, nightmares, of things beyond the veil of reality, the frayed edge long forgotten and long misused. Every time a demon uses their magic, or a vampire pushes their power, it tears back another hole, another thread. They misuse this power, it is what I have come to understand that Toxia must be made from. Those holes are easy to leak through, to come to this awful city, this waste of land and try to survive.

Yet I digress from my purpose. Last night I came face to ... horrid face of that of Selk'Tar'Oth.

The vision simply began, darkness all around me swelled and pressed against my body, I was siting in a great cavern and when my eyes finally adjusted to the dim light of this dreamworld all was dead. The ground moved and I stood bare in all of my so-called glory, pale, shivering as it was too cold. My body temperature runs about 43.7 degrees, this was near ice. I held myself tightly, both in modesty and in trying to keep my body temperature from dropping. I looks down to see the ground crawling with all manner of tiny beings, creatures, they scattered from the light that my eyes cast, brilliant in this travesty of a land.

I looked forward to see what I could not have seen before, there in the distance stood one very similar in my shape and face, but twisted. Her hair was matted, her face peels back, her teeth exposed and ever chattering, gibbering, whispering a thousand voices, growling all at the same time; creating a cursed hum all around her.

I ventured forward, taing hesitant steps towards this being. She almost seemed to smile at me and gestured me closer. She bowed to me and hissed all at once, the voices stopped and in a singular tone that was both beautiful and grievous she spoke, "Hello Felice... it's been a long time but I'm glad you finally found me here."

Through chattering shuddering teeth I replied, "You know me, I only know you by name and power alone. You are Selk'Tar'Oth. Both terrible and great, your power cannot be compared to another."

She nodded her wicked head and sighed, crossing her arms. "Oh yes, and you know better than that I'm sure, you a smart little bird aren't you." She did not give me time enough to answer. She waved a gnarled hand at me to keep silent. "You know that in dreams is most significant, most powerful, I will not stand here wasting time to answer questions that can't be answered. You've only found me because I let you. But I know why you're here and I know why your pale ass will be here again." she huffs at the look I make and somehow seems to roll those black eyes of her. I stare at her blatantly and see the stretch of the universe in her eyes. The galaxies swirling and being torn apart perpetually changing, ever growing and ever destroying, making me feel utterly small and insignificant; I finally look away as I hear her chittering laughter.

"You sicken me sometimes." she says heaving with a dry breath, exhaling with a wet sickening sound from her gut. "You are so weak in this little head of yours, were it not for my- ahhh.... monologuing will be the death of me!" she raves in a jeering laughter once more, "But I came to you in a little trinket that your mother and father gave to you... your prize procession... the only thing that had with you when you arrived in that damned city." she rubs her hands together, looking at me, making my skin burn and crawl with her gaze, "Your dear... golden... pocket watch."

I awaken to find my bed clothes are wet with a tingling sweat, my hands balled into fists, my nails puncturing my palms have broken the skin. I am tired... my body does not seem able to recuperate from these tender wounds. I reach over to my night stand to read the time on my pocket watch. With a shuddering hand I open it, hearing shrieks, cries, and agony, I hold it closer to me, against my chest and heave forward; I felt my chest tighten. Finally I cry, my tears black, staining the front of my night dress and the sheets around my waist. "I cannot be whole..."

Friday, September 25, 2009


Is is a powerful thing, I have seen it on the streets, I have heard it from the balcony, I have seen it in the church, the Haven, and the beach. It does not have to be a physical passion, it can be an emotional passion.

That which one expresses in passion can be expressed reversely but still have the same power, the same meaning. It is not long ago that I have felt the touch upon my lips, upon my neck... to feel such passion surge through me, when not long before I felt such passion and rage at seeing beauty destroyed.

Curious that when I learn of emotion, finally to feel love and to have it felt in return that I feel rage and desperations ever more. It is a cruel fate, a cruel game... but it is in my head...

There it shall stay, truly if I were to let it loose I would not be a good woman. I would be no different than the other women, those floozy, loose, jazz listening women that this city has claimed to fame.

But it is difficult... I will admit that... and I am frightened... change is difficult as it is, but change in myself, that is nearly unheard of, at least not so quickly.

I blame the city and those within it, those that drive my darkness to the surface and those that would see me plucked and burned.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Remove the head, destroy its brains

I have dove into the depths of my darkness. Denenthorn there to guide me. With his words, his voice, I was able to continue to the edge; but not over. It would not let me any further... either out of protection, fear, agitation... I am not sure. It was not pleased to see Denenthorn... I can only imagine what it would have felt if it were Khons.

Perhaps Khons would have been the better choice but, I do not know him well enough to allow him into my mind. It is bad enough that he can read my thoughts, it is unwarranted that he share space with them when it is already so full.

I know what was said, I saw what it saw and felt what it felt. It is defeated now, not so much caring for my physical safety as it understands my mind will keep intact... or at least malleable.

Denenthorn had difficulty talking with it, dealing with it, that much is clear. His silver tongue seemed tarnished and while he certainly held a good front, I am not sure if it was a performance or not. I like to think it was not but that is just another lock to his elusiveness I have yet to pick.

The deal has been made, the task is set, the times will be long and hard... my will, strong out, or else I damn myself to complete darkness. To an end that I would destroy myself have I the mind.

I have seen many fall from the light, those who say they have risen to meet it will only fall again. It is proven through acts and deeds to which I have witnessed and heard stories of. I do not blame them, but it shows just how one sided one might be, despite anything they might say or deny.

Nor am I to say that I strive for goodness, I know that I am split down the middle... but that balance must be kept. For all the terrible thought that run through my head I can only do good deeds to keep the balance.

However, I strive for greatness. This step into my mind is a great help to that goal. And an even greater help to mine...

Let me set this straight dear journal.

I am not good.
I am not bad.
I work as a means to an end, and when I am through I will rise above all others. I am not oblivious anymore. I understand exactly what one is saying, despite my innocent outlook and silly oblivious questions. I am not a pigeon, I am a phoenix... watch me fly and I will watch you burn.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

It is happening again

I can feel my brain throbbing. It is causing my pain on a daily basis. Something is pushing and twisting. That darkness within me is spreading. I feel my wants and needs to be shifting. Yes I am becoming stronger, but I am not sure what is me and waht is it that is causing my strength.

I need help. For once, the helper of the city, the one who would offer her own safety in cause for another must ask for help. Denenthorn is trying but it is difficult to understand what he tells me.

I am not sure who to go to, or where to find the help I need. The books re not speaking to me the way they would. They have not the answers I seek. Selk'Tar'Oth is unknown... much too vast for anyone to concieve and yet I understand it to a degree.

I fear still that I will lose myself soon... and I am not sure who will be able to bring me back.

I suppose with this time I have free to write that I should put down what I know of it, perhaps a bit of oganization is what I need in these difficult times.

It goes by the name of Selk'Tar'Oth. It is an entity that has lived far beyond what this universe has known. It is evil, yet its wants over power the need to be evil. It knows that it has time and is very patient. I think that patience is what will damn me. It has unmistakable power yet through its life has been bored and is now allowing the effects of natural balences to take place. It will protect me at all costs unless it feels those costs are something it might gain from. It is hungry for knowledge as I am hungry to learn yet with it sharing my mind it is weakened. I have the capcity to push it back but not always to control it... I need to learn this control, I need to learn to push it back and keep it back until I wish it to come forward.

I believe a journey is in order.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The coming days

I have seen this before, the city will swell then calm, disperse, yet the strongest will remain.

I apparently have less control than I thought of this dark entity inside me. Though with time and teachings from Denenthorn I hope to achieve more control, my thoughts have been waning. I am not who I was... as I learn slowly through accounts told to be by Rivers, I was not a very normal child growing up.

I know that I am different and that I cannot change that.

This library has strength in its members and of this I am proud to be here still. However, I do not think they see it within themselves. I feel that they are waiting too long for something to tickle their fancies. Perhaps it is time to discuss a test to prove to them just how important they are.

With the ever decreasing distance Spectre has upon this city we must rally them together. We must also build our forces to rise up against him and banish him some where more complete until the propper time Denenthorn may vanquish him.

I will request much from Denenthorn in the next few weeks. I have some martial knowledge but his handle with a weapon is much greater than mine. I can only hope that he would teach myself and the older members, so that we may practice when he is busy.

I have a list ready of things to do. We will keep this library running and keep ourselves busy as we strive for greatness and control of this city. We will remind the city that it is not numbers which rule but knowledge.

We will make them fear our light.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Feathery Wings

Listen to it here

Feathery Wings - Voltaire

You, there on the bridge
where have you been, whats your name?
and you, there you on the wall
where will you go to once you fall?
you, lost at sea
do you need me, do you need directions?
hey, put down the gun
what are you thinking?
you were someone's son

the taste of tears
the sting of pain
the smell of fear
the sounds of crying

a long, long time ago i fell to this place
from another dimesnion
and thrust amongst the beasts
and they way they behave borders on dementia
now through all these years
i can barely take it
i don't think i can make it
take me away from here
I want to go home

i'm so sick and tired of the
the taste of tears
the sting of pain
the smell of fear
the sounds of crying
as you standing at the edge of your life
what do you remember?
was it all you wanted?

I'm trying to earn a set of feathery wings
i wish i could protect you here
oh, please don't cry
now smile as you're standing
at the edge of your life
your troubles are over
mine are just beginning
I'm trying to earn a set of feathery wings
to take me away from here
its me you leave behind

if only i could have been there
i'd be a hand for the sinking
if only i could have been there
i'd be a prayer for the dying
see the pain etched in my face

i'm so sick and tired of
the taste of tears
the sting of pain
the smell of fear
the sounds of crying
as you're standing at the edge of your life
what do you remember was it all you wanted

I'm trying to earn a set of feathery wings
i wish i could protect you here
oh, please don't cry
now smile as you're standing
at the edge of your life
your troubles are over
mine are just beginning

I'm trying to earn a set of feathery wings
to take me away from here
its me you leave
you're gone from here
don't leave from here
don't leave me here
I hate it here
you're gone from here
don't leave me here
I need you here
I need to see you smile

Thursday, August 13, 2009

A little dead, but I got better

It was decided that I should die in a matter of moments. In a matter of days it was decided that I should come back. It is those days, which were years, I have much changed.

It is not so apparent, but I have a human understanding now. I see who loves who, why they love, what makes them angry, what makes them curious... I understand it now more than most would know. I can smile to a joke or to my own musing. This can be dangerous as it would let others see how learned I am.

While I might have book knowledge, my street knowledge is publicly absent.

I will watch the streets more closely now, test what I have learned and challenge the light.

Thursday, August 6, 2009


I do not have many memories from the time of my living to the time of my death. I spent my afterlife in a kind of limbo where I speant my time learning the things I did not get to in life. Some mysteries, some supernatural, but mostly Earth bound knowledge. I did not take into account that the ratio of which I learned would diminish my mortal memories.

Slowly though I amremembering my life as it was. I recall my death as I have mentioned enough before and have been asked of more often than I should be. During the Righteous ball I felt more at peace and in my element than I had in a long while. But most recently something occured that has turned my head around in so many angles I am not sure in which direction I should continue.

I have a brother. Miraculously he has come to Toxian City, and some how was driven to become a librarian. He found me on the supply storage center, drawing. I am not sure what drove him to do it but he saw my smudged hands and clasped them in his own. I was too shocked that he would touch me to see that he was bringing my fingers to my face. Very gently he took my graphite covered fingers and pressed them to my nose.

It was at that moment that I remembered. I was very young, always drawing, hardly paying attention to the world. Rivers would bring me back to home with his play. Mother would be upset that I would proceed to clean my nose, then my hands over my dresses.

Rivers is my brother. I have a connection here to my previous life and I am so intrigued, yet so scared, I am not sure if I wish to find out more or to shut it all away.

Out of all the things I could be afraid of in this city, I am most afraid of myself.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Fairly confused

I have in my possession an object that fills me with worry and a bit of dread. It is small and stained... I am keeping it with me, hidden and tucked away until I know what to do with it.

At the moment, dear journal, I am sitting in the office of the library. As per usual this time of day it is quiet and I hear 17 pleasantly working away. She is dusting tirelessly and cleaning shelves that I know will never be cleaned.

There is history in this library of both good and bad times. I do not even know a quarter of it yet... though I am still trying to learn, still trying to understand all sides of this history.

However, at the moment there is a fallen darkness that looms over this place, it came and left so quickly last night that I was not here to experience it personally. I am only hearing bits and pieces of this story and I do not know what to make of it. We are not yet prepared. The librarians are not informed enough and I need to learn all sides as soon as I can.

Friday, July 24, 2009


The other night I had a most unsettling dream.

I was present in the library, yelling... something I rarely do, but yelling incoherently at a group of people. They are my friends, peers, librarians. We were in a circle, I in its center, all pledging our lives to help one another. There was a bang on the door and we all fell silent. All of us feared what we knew was coming however we all were prepared for it.

Another bang and a darkness filled the room. I felt wicked eyes upon me, searching the very depths of my mind and of my body. The darkness filled me, I could feel it like a rush of fire within my veins. I could feel the entity struggling, to keep itself at the front. On the outside I saw myself, my eyes going black and a voice that is not my own speak. It shook in a struggle, "You will not have this woman, she is mine." it was hollow but still spoke the words as clear as day.

My body was shaking then, I had gone back, left only to watch through my eyes as my entity struggles within me. A final shake and all I could see was red... though the outside had given me yellow eyes.

I awoke at that moment, much like I had upon my arrival to Toxian. There was a new weight on my back, heavier, more solid. I turned and flexed my shoulders. I saw strength in my wings and sighed softly.

My mind has new thoughts with which to consume my time with now.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


There is a darkness coming that threatens all of us dear journal. I fear that it might be the end of those that I call friend and those even that I would call enemy. It is a darkness from a past that is not my own, never have I felt such fear for something I know nothing about.

Its name I dare not utter lightly, nor write down here. He is that which we all fear, that lurking inside our closets and under our beds. He is cruel and devious but most of all powerful.

We have a plan in the workings and I have offered one of my prized processions. One of a few things of my own personal property I managed to find when I returned to the city. My beloved pocket watch. It is all I have in remembrance of a past life, something that told me I was truly once alive and did not dream of my memories.

It is worn. Made of gold, steel and springs. It was originally created by Patek-Philippe in the 1850s, the crown-wind, crown-set movement did away with the watch-key which was a necessity for the operation of any pocket watch up to that point. The first crown-wind and crown-set pocket watches were sold during the Great Exhibition in London in 1851 and the first owners of these new kinds of watches were Queen Victoria and Prince Albert. Crown-wind, crown-set movements are the most common type of watch-movement found in both vintage and modern pocket watches.

Most of all it is mine. I will give it up to serve its purpose for it is only an object. However, if the plan goes as it should I will be sacrificing something much greater than something that would tick of an eternity if given the chance.

One of the first things I told Denny is that I would take a bullet for a book.

For my friends, I would take much more than a bullet.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Room of Angel

SILENT HILL 4 ~ Room of Angel lyrics
Version 1.0
Created by ZhouTaiRoks

Listen to it here.


You lie silent there before me
your tears they mean nothing to me
the wind howling at the window
the love you never gave
I give to you

Really don't deserve it
but now there's nothing you can do
so sleep in your only memory of me
my dearest mother

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry oh well
here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye

So insignificant
sleeping dormant deep inside of me
are you hiding away lost
under the sewers
maybe flying high in the clouds
perhaps you're happy without me
so many seeds have been sown in the field
and who could sprout up so blessedly
if I had died
I would have never felt sad at all
you will not hear me say I'm sorry
where is the light
wonder if it's weeping somewhere

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry oh well
here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry oh well
here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry oh well
here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry oh well
here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Words, words, words!

I have been busy of late and not had much chance to speak with anyone casually. At the same time I have become fascinated with words.

The word can be so small and yet mean a great deal. Words are to not be taken for granted as they may contract a deal, instill power, confess feelings, or damn someone entirely.

There are a few in question that I would like to analyze.

Yes: adverb, noun, plural yes⋅es, verb, yessed, yessing, interjection

–adverb 1. (used to express affirmation or assent or to mark the addition of something emphasizing and amplifying a previous statement): Do you want that? Yes, I do.
2. (used to express an emphatic contradiction of a previously negative statement or command): Don't do that! Oh, yes I will!
3. (used, usually interrogatively, to express hesitation, uncertainty, curiosity, etc.): “Yes?” he said as he opened the door. That was a marvelous show! Yes?
4. (used to express polite or minimal interest or attention.)

I find that this definition is sufficient except in cases where yes can also mean no. That which we want but do not wish to succumb to the desire, we will say yes to feed the need only to later regret it.

This also equally and oppositely sufficiently described the word "no."

Though let me delve a bit deeper into No.

No: adverb, adjective, noun, plural noes, nos, verb
–adverb 1. (a negative used to express dissent, denial, or refusal, as in response to a question or request)
2. (used to emphasize or introduce a negative statement): Not a single person came to the party, no, not a one.
3. not in any degree or manner; not at all (used with a comparative): He is no better.
4. not a (used before an adjective to convey the opposite of the adjective's meaning): His recovery was no small miracle.

No is a strong word, just as yes. No however holds more weight as with the right person would stop the negative indication of having to use such a small word. However no is also known for being mistaken right after submission into consciousness.

Thus it leads to mistaken meaning, confusion, upset stomach, pink eye, bloody nose... sorry, bit of a tangent.

The point is Book, that words, no matter how big or small, how glorious sounding or how vulgar are all very equal in the fact that they cause confusion when the meaning behind them is not distinct. I an not proud enough to say that I have never made a mistake in my language and I would stupid and ignorant to assume that I would never make mistakes in the future. But I say this Book, think before you speak, lest you create undue frustration.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Take Up Arms

It is a chilling night, she did not think her experiments would bring her to so many conclusions, nor that the intrigue of what befell the kitties would have dug herself so deep. She kicks the office floor twice, losening the tile which she stored her items in secret. There she saw her filled sketchbooks piled, with extra clothing just in case. She did not have much that she valued there save for a few items. Tonight she thought that her gift from long ago, one she recieved while under the tutoridge of a very quiet fellow would come in handy. With a firm grasp she pulls the firm brass armor and rubber soled boots along with a black case. She pulls on the brass woven clothing, scratching a bit from disuse and she laces up her boots. She pulls the case getnly dusting it off and with a steady hand she opens it. She sighs softly as she looks down at the contraption. "A stun gun cannot compare to the likes of you." she thinks to herself. "Thank you Nikola Tesla." she mutters and takes up the electric weapon.

Thus with her armor in place, her antique weapon in hand, she tucks her wings under her shoulder plates to keep them safe. She takes one step from the library looking around carefully before venturing forth, into the city. It is not the dark of the city she fears this night. It is the impending wrath of.... The Muffin Man.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Of Minds and Matters

In my observations of this city I have seen many taken over by possession, manipulation, altercation, and alliteration. It is sometimes viewed as comical though I have yet to see the comedy in't. And it is also viewed as horrific as I have such seen and not taken light of.

Friday, June 19, 2009

As is

Finale - Joss Whedon's Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

Here lies everything
The world I wanted at my feet
My victory’s complete
So hail to the king

(Everything you ever)

Arise and see
So your world’s benign
So you think justice has a voice and we all have a choice
Well now your world is mine

(Everything you ever)

And I am fine…

Now the nightmare’s real
Now dr. horrible is here to make you quake with fear
To make the whole world kneel

(Everything you ever)

And I wont feel … a thing

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The week I had

*slumps down in a chair on the second floor of the library with her journal. She pulls out a pencil and inhales slowly as she begins to write*

Hatter came into the library in protest to the tea party he was not invited to. Despite all the librarian's efforts he managed to take me away along with that greenish demon. The took me to the television repair shop and from there everything got worse. I wish to not relay what happened there into these pages... needless to say afterwards I was not quite myself.

I felt myself change and the last time I resisted, I lost my tongue. I did not wish for that to happen again so I let it come. The entity, that name I dare not write here, came forward and let me rest for a while. Needless to say it has its own agenda but I have conversed with it and it seems to have made a deal with me while I was away. It will come when I need it, when I cannot perform the duties necissary anymore. It will come and behave for the most part, keeping me as safe as I can be kept and by the time I wake up I will be better. I am not sure if this is the best course of action, however, I did feel very well after this take over.

It made me well enough for the tea party we had the day after.

It was a wonderful success in bringing everyone together, however due to some unforeseen events we did not accomplish to spread the library's name out to the city so well. It was a nice change though, perhaps next time we will simply let invitations fly to the wind for the public to see.

*sits back in the chair glancing out to the balcony a moment before looking back into her book*

The library is ever changing. There is so much more to accomplish in the city and we have some more capable people to pick up where others have left off. I am glad to call these librarians friends.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Perhaps I will learn here

*Stands on the balcony, looking out over the city. Her pencil in hand as she begins to write*

The library is to host a tea party on Friday. We are to dress up from characters in the story Alice and Wonderland. I was chosen to be Alice, which is all well and good. I think it is because I am blonde, but I do not mind. I like the outfit I have chosen, though I think Picket would rather I wear the outfit she has chosen. We shall see. Perhaps I will change at midnight, to look more appropriate to the nightlife.

I wish for this party to go well. That we will put aside differences and have pleasant stories to share. I wish also to gain new librarians with this, we need them now as it seems Denny, Picket, and myself seem to be taking up more duties than necessary.

At the same time I hope to observe happiness. This thing.... this... emotion still eludes me. I have been pondering it for some time now. Why do I seem to be with out it, why do I not understand the smiles or the chuckles I recieve when I speak sometimes. When I ask a question, an innocent one at that.... such as, "Why are you beating that man into the street, has he done on offense directly to you or behind your back?" They laugh at me... as though it were a silly question to have asked.

I was seeing one about the explanation but they seem to have gotten busy and are not in the city often anymore. Vitalia at one point tries to explain her own feelings of joy, or her smiles but does not seem quite able to at the same time. She has said that it isn't always happiness, but that did not make sense.

*chews at the end of her pencil a moment as she thinks*

Perhaps tis' better to let this search be... let happiness enter me on it's own accord rather than to seek it out. I must admit, I felt lighter to have the librarians help with the cleaning of the library after the lycan attack. Though not quite enough it seems to have my mouth curl... Perhaps I am not a smiler.

*shakes her head*

Enough of this talk. We have a new librarian, they have been a wonderful asset thus far. I am sure they will prove themselves quickly in the future. As I considering it think it strange and I am unsure myself but it seems there has been an initiation for us all but me. With Denny it was his new office, which seems to have been packed away again much to my dismay. Aries was given the taste of absinthe which would not bother me so much. Picket was our first initiate of secrets and so far I have been very proud to have her flitting about the library. The librarians have had thier tasks, though some how I feel it was a bit too easy for me to be here. Perhaps it was the official necessity of the matter... still curious that visitors look to me as some sort of lackey when it has to do with business other than books. Yet when it is books they know me as head librarian.

*shakes her head*

I truley am rambling now am I not.

*rubs her forehead slowly with the palm of her hand. She closes her eyes and breathes slowly, feeling a shudder up the back of her spine. She rolls her head around, cracking her neck in a few places, then crackes her knuckles quickly. She takes the sharp end of her pencil and jabs her thumb with it, caoting the tip in blood before writing in a more jagged script*

You can't keep your thoughts to yourself you know.

Monday, June 8, 2009


It was a full moon, the library was attacked last night. We took in those we could, helped those who needed it, and strong armed the lycans who tried to breech our doors. Those of the library who were present did very well in their help and I am proud of them. We will only become stronger in our seat in Toxia with such bonds.

Cricket took to the windows, electrifying the iron bars that hold the glass, to keep the lycans from jumping through. Picket rounded those she could find into the library and took down those that would oppose her. A few others boarded up the doors and pushed the shelves against them to barricade us in the library. I healed those I could and later went to find K to only find a white tiger. Denny found me and warned me but, it was too late. The tiger attacked Denny and in a flash the tiger was contained.

In near the same moment, the tiger changed and I was near relieved to see K standing in it's place. Quickly blushing and turning away as he was naked, but relieved all the same. However on the way be to the library I came face to face with a huge black lycan. It chased me down, caught me and I thought I was near done for; were it not for Joenta who brought it down and allowed my escape.

The aftermath I am down one shirt, the books are soaked due to the sprinkler system going off apparently, the shelves have been clawed at, the chairs have been burned, and the door frames all have nail holes in them The library will not last another attack. We must take firmer, stronger measures before the next full moon.

Thursday, June 4, 2009


I find it curious to see how fleeting the need for something can be. When one does not find the patience in themselves to wait but a moment, that need becomes discarded. Though I do not feel at such a loss, I am talking of course of the Shadows who stepped into the library just the other night. Those who stayed got what they came for more or less. Those who left did not. I simply find it interesting who will stay for knowledge and who think they will learn on their own.

*thinks a moment and shudders slightly*

I have gone out of my bounds that night as well. I think perhaps that Denny and Picket are influencing my stray thoughts. This is not a happy feeling, most disturbing really... but I will have to concentrate harder on keeping those thoughts to myself.

Speaking of Picket, she has become our new Second in Command. Aries had to take her leave and I wish she will be well as I am sure she will keep herself as such. Picket's entrance into the library is daunting to say the least. I can see many plausible connections, but I am not sure so much that I would be able to socialize with her outside the library without fainting.

I would be comdemned if she were to find that out as I am sure she would try to exploit that...

*thinks a while*

I think I am paranoid...

*scribbles out all the text about Picket she wrote earlier*

Picket has arrived. This will be a grand, new experience that I welcome with open arms.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

It has been sometime

*sits in the library on the second floor, looking out over the balcony for some time, chewing at the end of her pencil briefly*

Much has happened since I have written last. I suppose that I why I have not written.

I found myself stricken with pain not too long ago. As I had another unfortunate visit with the darkness inside of me. It left amessage this time though and left me without my tongue. I cannot keep this presence at bay any longer, though it must be there for a reason.

I am told that I am clever. Perhaps there is a way this presence would coexist with me. So they will think I suffer from a personality disorder... perhaps all the better. They may take me for granted that I am timid and polite, but when the time comes I will be sure to show them what I am capable of.

With this appearance I had bitten off my tongue, I have been telling others that I had a terrible fall down the steps. It would not be so unusual as those steps are neigh deadly enough. I had to change and reschedule a few meetings, one with Lorne who offered to fix me but I must admit that I do not trust magics of other so much now. Denny saw to it that I was taken care of, though he said some very strange words to me... he complimented me... As well as the night before that he seemed to be recalling his past, he seems different. I am under the suspicsion he is suffering from the stress of his new found position.

I must admit, I am finding much stress in this new found position.

In other brief news, Eduard has left the library saying he was called away to the mainland. He shall be missed in the library but as bittersweet as it was, he left me a hand written note. I am most pleased with his progress in writing and would hope to some how recieve letters of his missions. I am very glad I had the opportunity to teach him before he left.

Should anyone ever find this, I think they would find themselves quite lost.

*closes her book and tucks her pencil away, pushing them both into her jacket pocket*

Thursday, May 21, 2009


I have continued my lessons with Eduard. He is showing great improvment. His hand is becoming more steady as he practices and he is proving to be a quick learner.

However I believe I might be allergic to him. Possibly to all humans. Later that evening, when the lesson was complete for that night... we were talking. We were discussing mistakes and erasers and corrections... by the time I knew it he had his hands in mine and I felt light headed.

I noticed my body temperature raise, my breath became staggered, and my body felt weak. I must look further into this, I would hate to think that I have become ill over a species.

Friday, May 15, 2009


We have a new member to our library, he is most disciplined in many lines of thinking and physical activity however, writing is lost to him. Due to his origin, writing was not necessary. I have taken it upon myself to teach him to write.

Last night we started our lesson and I must admit it seemed to be more stressful on him than I had planned.

At one point I saw myself in him and it was a certain blow to myself. I felt horrid, as though the room were spinning and I could not stop it. I had asked him to relax, it felt as though I was giving a wrong piece of information. When one is tense all the time is it so baffling to think that another might be worse than you. But the words came from my mouth and there was naught I could for it.

However, once I regained my constitution the lesson started again and he is proving very well. I must admit, it has been a long time since I have taught anyone anything. I used to tutor in college for those who required it, but that was still some time ago...

I will teach him to write for he has asked. I am more than willing to teach something so valued. Besides, were his little wrist computer.... thing to break how would he take down notes of his findings around the city?

Thursday, May 14, 2009


I have come to respect those who are able to understand jokes and concieve of happiness.

This has admitted been a problem for me. While I seem to have not a problem with sandess, anger, frustration, or worry, happiness, love and kindess elude me greatly. Most would see me as a meek, shy individual which is not all untrue. I am hesitant towards those I do not know but once I recognize them for who they present themselves to be, my nevousness stops, honor takes up where friendliness should and all seems rather buisness like with them.

Yes I have called people friend and honor them as such. Yes I would do very much for few I have welcomed to myself personally. But love, happiness to see them, are all muted. I do not understand what it is that is holding my mind from it.

When I was human and lived for a short time I did feel love. I did laugh I am sure of it. But I cannot quite recall the feeling. The gesture of a smile is seen and remembered. The sound of laughter is muttled but recalled. Perhaps it is when I found that relic along the beach... the relic which to this day I have no clue of what it was or where I have lost it. But since that day the voices came, my vision opened and I can see what lies behind the veil of reality.

I recall my time of life, my final years to be very opressive withi this new sight. When I met him things seemed to ease for a while but what lies before me would push harder, driving what concious thoughts I had from me until all seem blinded as a newborn.

It is difficult to explain that time. I was certainly present, but my eyes would be dazed, my mind somewhere else and not always, more frequently not my own. I took up drawing to clear my head, but the torrent of information grew and I now cannot escape it.

However I have derailed myself and must apologize to those who would read this. I mean to speak of learning.

Many have explained jokes to me, which is kind of them but I do understand them at first moment. Even if the language is crude, I have spent enough time in the city now that I have picked up on crude terms and meanings. What I do not understand is the reason to say such a thing, to let a joke fall from ones lips in order to make another happy does not seem to bode well with my mind. Others have touched me, physically, in kindness. A tap on the shoulder, an attempted hug for confort, but I dislike touch. It is something I feel is left over from my death and do not expect to get much better until I am able to feel happiness, especially love again. Which brings me conviently to love. While I have read the subject several times, both emotional and carnal, it is something I do not feel and understand that I should and that it is all right to feel.

I think I am broken.

*She sits back in the old leather chair, tapping her pencil against her book as she thinks. She sighs as her eyes narrow looking at the page. She hand runs through her hair as she brings the pencil down once more*

I am broken. I will fix myself through time, as I understand it, will heal all wounds.

*She closes her book and tucks it into her jacket once again.*

Saturday, May 2, 2009

The times are, as they say, changing.

I have found myself in Toxian City for three months. I am home again and it has not been easy to find my place. Everything is different. Everyone is new. The city is still as deadly as the air which the citizens breathe. I will keep secret, I will keep to the shadows of buildings and watch, just as I did in the past.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Where could I start?

I woke up outside the apartment building much changed. There is a weight on my back and as I try to feel what is there something strange I find. Two new appendages, at this new touch my eyes shut tight and I remember distantly of who I am.

I am Felice Nightfire, mentally unstable but mostly harmless. I was nineteen when my mortal life ended. I am much older now but I cannot tell you exactly by year. I am an angel now, though the reason I am back still eludes me. I do not remember a heaven or a hell, simply open area. Not a limbo or a purgatory but something that cannot be explained by words, merely felt... much like my masterpiece.

To know your present and predict your future you must know of your past. Through my own dreams, memories, and reckless counceling I know this. I was at some point touched by the false gods which lead to my instability. My boyfriend killed me because he was upset and more unstable than I. I know that he hit me on the head with a crow bar three times and I was alive some time after he left the apartment.

I had been working on my masterpiece, I was an artist both in writing and visual aspects. I was well educated and perhaps it is that knowledge I gained which the gods were interested in. At about 12 I started having nightmares, I drew them to get rid of them and to live again. The nightmares since have gotten worse over time right until I died, now that I am back they are constant. Though my time in that other place, that open space, has shown how worthless I am in this world. I choose to survive and help others in what ever way I see fit. If it is to steal bread for a family to let them live another week, or to kill the youngest child so they consume more per day, it can be considered equal.

But my Masterpiece, a thing of beauty and horrific fantasy none that any mere eye could imagine. It is Dante's incarnate, Cthulhu's dreams, the Yellow King's wishes. It was neither too large or too small, using every media I could get my hands on. It would consume the soul and senses, I was so close to completion! I just needed more time before I could unveil it... then he came home from work and told me, demanded that I "shut up."

At that time I seemed to had taken up muttering to myself, speaking, talking, rambling to myself about, what anyone would hear would consider, nonsense. It was not nonsense to me, I had to keep talking at that point or else something might have crawled into my brain and taken over, too keep me from finishing this work. I honestly had not heard him when he was shouting in my ear to "shut the hell up."

I felt his breath on my skin so it was then I turned, just in time to see him bring the crowbar, hook first, down to my forhead. It was only the frontal lobe, but he'd hit my visual cortex, I was still able to speak, but all I could do in the moment was breathe. He pulled the crow bar from me and I remember thinking how strange it was that I could feel that sensation. I felt blood running down my front and it was that feeling that made me scream. He yelled at me to "Shut the fuck up." I could not though. My love had hurt me. I was terrified, not of dying, but of the fact he would hurt me so. As I could not stop he struck again. I could hear him crying as well, but my screams sounded muffled. I was face down now, my mouth pressed firmly to the floor. I breathed shattered breaths but still tried to scream. I felt the force one more time and everything stopped but my heart and my lungs. I could not so much hear as I could feel his feet moving quickly about me.

It did not take long but what he did I do not think I will ever know. I have my suspicions coming back to Toxian City now. I have since traveled back to my apartment, nothing is the same. My Masterpiece is gone, along with all of my possessions. The city itself is completely different. I know the year but for some reason cannot grasp how much time has passed. The only thing that seems to be a bit constant is the library. There are new books, new furnishings, but the smell, the most powerful of all memories, has not changed. This is where I feel at home, at ease, this is my new place. I was once welcomed with more than open arms into the Omega Institute by Denethorn. That has since changed and I was surprised to find my memories of my time in the Illuminati would be stirred within me. I have come to remember what a cold heart I have, it is torn within me to serve my duty and to still be what is expected of me.

An angel I will stay, in this city, as long as I am needed. I would warn those who do not know me, and those who think they do. I do not believe I am descended from the Christian God, nor do I believe I have sprung up from Lucifer's Legion, what you see is what I chose to show you. You would not like to see what I am beneath such a thick veil.