Perhaps I will learn here

*Stands on the balcony, looking out over the city. Her pencil in hand as she begins to write*

The library is to host a tea party on Friday. We are to dress up from characters in the story Alice and Wonderland. I was chosen to be Alice, which is all well and good. I think it is because I am blonde, but I do not mind. I like the outfit I have chosen, though I think Picket would rather I wear the outfit she has chosen. We shall see. Perhaps I will change at midnight, to look more appropriate to the nightlife.

I wish for this party to go well. That we will put aside differences and have pleasant stories to share. I wish also to gain new librarians with this, we need them now as it seems Denny, Picket, and myself seem to be taking up more duties than necessary.

At the same time I hope to observe happiness. This thing.... this... emotion still eludes me. I have been pondering it for some time now. Why do I seem to be with out it, why do I not understand the smiles or the chuckles I recieve when I speak sometimes. When I ask a question, an innocent one at that.... such as, "Why are you beating that man into the street, has he done on offense directly to you or behind your back?" They laugh at me... as though it were a silly question to have asked.

I was seeing one about the explanation but they seem to have gotten busy and are not in the city often anymore. Vitalia at one point tries to explain her own feelings of joy, or her smiles but does not seem quite able to at the same time. She has said that it isn't always happiness, but that did not make sense.

*chews at the end of her pencil a moment as she thinks*

Perhaps tis' better to let this search be... let happiness enter me on it's own accord rather than to seek it out. I must admit, I felt lighter to have the librarians help with the cleaning of the library after the lycan attack. Though not quite enough it seems to have my mouth curl... Perhaps I am not a smiler.

*shakes her head*

Enough of this talk. We have a new librarian, they have been a wonderful asset thus far. I am sure they will prove themselves quickly in the future. As I considering it think it strange and I am unsure myself but it seems there has been an initiation for us all but me. With Denny it was his new office, which seems to have been packed away again much to my dismay. Aries was given the taste of absinthe which would not bother me so much. Picket was our first initiate of secrets and so far I have been very proud to have her flitting about the library. The librarians have had thier tasks, though some how I feel it was a bit too easy for me to be here. Perhaps it was the official necessity of the matter... still curious that visitors look to me as some sort of lackey when it has to do with business other than books. Yet when it is books they know me as head librarian.

*shakes her head*

I truley am rambling now am I not.

*rubs her forehead slowly with the palm of her hand. She closes her eyes and breathes slowly, feeling a shudder up the back of her spine. She rolls her head around, cracking her neck in a few places, then crackes her knuckles quickly. She takes the sharp end of her pencil and jabs her thumb with it, caoting the tip in blood before writing in a more jagged script*

You can't keep your thoughts to yourself you know.